BofA Robot Chat Session

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You = Me (Kelly)
Tara = Robot

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Tara: Thank you for being valued Bank of America customer. My name is Tara.
Tara: How may I assist you with your personal Checking and Savings accounts opened in California?
Tara: Hi , Good Morning. How are you doing today?
You: Good. I'm trying to get through to the call center and the message says it's closed.
Tara: I would like to inform you that on behalf of Veteran's Day.
Tara: Our phone associates are not working.
Tara: Hence, you are unable to connect to the phone associates.
You: Veteran's Day was yesterday. Are they off for two days?
Tara: Yes, you are right.
Tara: However, I will try my best to help you if the query is within my scope.
Tara: Please go ahead with your query.
You: I had an alert set on my account to let me know a specific low balance threshold. I am now overdrawn
by 70 dollars and there are 7 transactions which I will be charged 35/each for. I checked and the alert was set to off!
You: I have not modified that alert for years
Tara: I understand you have a concern regarding the alerts.
Tara: As the alerts were disabled your account is going to charge with the overdraft fee.
Tara: Please correct me, if I am wrong.
You: i have a concern regarding the fees that i will be charged due to the fact that the alert was reset to 'off'
You: 7 x 35 = 245
Tara: I certainly check for you.
Tara: Could you please provide me the last four digits of the account number in question and the complete
name as how it appears on the account.
Tara: Are you still with me? Just to confirm that we are not disconnected.
You: yes
You: 7465
Tara: Thank you.
You: kelly alston
Tara: Thank you for the information, Kelly.
Tara: Please allow me some time while I access your account information.
You: ok, i have a child so there may be some lag between responses
Tara: Kelly, I see that there was an alert set on your account, if your account balance is less than the $200
then an alert will be sent to kellymarcalston@gmail.com on every Monday.
Tara: Am I right, Kelly?
You: yes, but i just set that today after i noticed that it was turned off
You: i was not alerted that my balance was low, and today i discovered that i was overdrawn
Tara: Thank you for the information.
You: sure
Tara: Kelly, I would like to inform you that as your account is not yet debited with the fees.
Tara: I request you to contact us immediately once the fee debited to your account so that we will definitely
look in to the issue and help you.
Tara: As you are the esteemed customer since 1990.
You: ok, i'll call the center when the fees hit, i really appreciate your help
Tara: We certainly look into the issue once you contact after the fee charged to your account.
Tara: You are most welcome.
Tara: Its my pleasure assisting you.
Tara: Would there be anything else I may assist you with today ?
You: no, have a great day
Tara: Thank you, Kelly.
Tara: Thank you very much for your time and co-operation.
Tara: Have a great day ahead, enjoy but do take care of yourself.
Tara: Thank you for choosing Bank of America's Text Chat Service!
Tara: To safeguard any personal account information, please close this window by click lower "Close " button
in the upper right corner of this chat window.
You: ok, thanks
Tara: You are most welcome, Kelly.

Sleeve me!

So I go to the drive-thru Starbucks down the street and after sitting through two attempts to up-sell me to some 'pairing' or 'baked goodie', the guy hands me a tall nonfat latte with no sleeve. I ask him point-blank, 'Do you guys not give sleeves anymore?' He says, 'We only give them with venti's, we're trying to save trees.' Some questions...

1) Why are you lying? If you're trying to save trees, why give out sleeves at all? What is the qualitative heat difference between a venti and a tall? Answer, none, they are equally as hot.

2) Hey liar, fuck the trees, how about saving my hand?

3) Also, liar, if Starbucks wants to save trees, how about making the sleeves (and the cups, for that matter) from 100% 'post-consumer recycled material', vs. 10% for the cups only?

4) Oh, and liar? Try the truth, it can be an aphrodisiac in all kinds of relationships: business-to-consumer, husband-to-wife, etc. Here it is: consumer spending is down, sleeves cost money, some brain trust at Starbucks corporate (aka The Death Star) ran some models in Excel and determined the cost-benefit ratio of providing sleeves with drinks smaller than a venti was not in the bests interests of the corporation.

In his defense, Starbucks is training a whole generation of liars, it's apparently the 'Starbucks way'. My wife said she refuses to put her hand out the window until a sleeve has been added to her drink. I've tried nonverbal communication but it's not in my nature. And that's the truth.

Leap Second

This just in:

"The world's official timekeepers have added a "leap second" to the last day of the year on Wednesday, to help match clocks to the Earth's slowing spin on its axis, which takes place at ever-changing rates affected by tides and other factors."

Here's a list of things I plan to do with the extra second:

- fill out an application to become one of the world's official timekeepers;

- finish my novel;

- spend down the remaining funds in my Flexible Spending Account so the rat bastards that administer it don't take off on a European vacation courtesy of the $231.46 I have in there;

Any time that's left will be spent reflecting on the general state of the world, specifically the Mideast, India vs. Pakistan, MMA vs. boxing, HBO (what happened to you?), getting up the nerve to watch TLC's "The 800 Pound Tumor" and trying to crack all my knuckles on the first try. Happy New Year...

Spirit

For a tutorial on how to write a scathing review, see the link below:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/12/24/DDH414SVMC.DTL

The review was written by Peter Hartlaub, the 'Pop Culture' critic of the San Francisco Chronicle. I complimented him in the first comment posted and he responded in kind and used the word 'snarky', a vocabulary choice that confirmed my confidence in his acumen.

The First

I'm watching my 6 month old scoot backwards, listening to my wife dry her hair in the bathroom of our new house, watching as my dog runs off with a used paper towel and looks back to see if I'll chase him, and I suddenly decide that Christmas in Texas is not so bad after all.