Everything I Know About Beef Processing I Learned From 'The Simpsons'

THE FAST-FOOD HAMBURGER
The great American staple. Don’t worry, burgers really do come from cows—but have you ever wondered how those giant chains process and distribute so much meat so cheaply? And . . . are you sure you want to know?

The Truth: Most fast-food hamburger patties begin their voyage to your buns in the hands of a company called Beef Products. The company specializes in taking slaughterhouse trimmings—heads and hooves and the like—that are traditionally used only in pet food and cooking oil, and turning them into patties. The challenge is getting this byproduct meat clean enough for human consumption, as both E. coli and salmonella like to concentrate themselves in the fatty deposits.

The company has developed a process for killing beef-based pathogens by forcing the ground meat through pipes and exposing it to ammonia gas—the same chemical you might use to clean your bathroom. Not only has the USDA approved the process, but it's also allowed those who sell the beef to keep it hidden from their customers. At Beef Products’ behest, ammonia gas has been deemed a “processing agent” that need not be identified on nutrition labels. Never mind that if ammonia gets on your skin, it can cause severe burning, and if it gets in your eyes, it can blind you. Add to the gross-out factor the fact that after moving through this lengthy industrial process, a single beef patty can consist of cobbled-together pieces from different cows from all over the world—a practice that only increases the odds of contamination.

Play now, thank me later.

Top 10 Crappy Movies I Will Watch Whenever They Are On

1. Deep Blue Sea - Samuel Jackson minus his head equals movie magic!
2. The Mummy - and really, any movie with the word 'mummy' in the title 
3. Basic Instinct - lesbian hit and runs, a totally gratuitous beaver shot, Michael Douglas losing his shit in just about every scene, this movie has it all
4. Tommy Boy - join me in a head bob to 'Fat Guy in a Little Coat'
5. Vanilla Sky - the original version of this movie, 'Abre Los Ojos', belongs on an entirely different list
6. Universal Soldier: The Return - the first of three increasingly crappy sequels
7. Hannibal - Julianne Moore does the worst Jodi Foster impression ever, and killer pigs...really?
8. Wall Street - no matter what the revisionists say, this is not a good movie
9. Showgirls - hahahahahahahahahaha!
10. And the newest addition: The Box - so god-awful that it almost eclipses the craptacular craptitude of all the other movies on this list combined

Mosstified

Today's top story: Elisabeth Moss, Peggy from 'Mad Men', is (sigh) a Scientologist. And now, as in the case of Sean Penn, Leni Riefenstahl, and Chad 'Ochocinco', I'm forced to separate the artist from the person. The artist does a spectacular job on what is shaping up as the show of the decade. The person believes that:

'Xenu (pronounced ZEE-noo), was, according to the founder of Scientology and science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard, the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of his people to Earth in a DC-8-like spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes, and killed them using hydrogen bombs.'

My respect for the person has dissipated to microscopic proportions (while my admiration for Fred Armisen has increased exponentially) but I will do my best to ignore this disturbing fact when the new season of 'Mad Men' debuts next year...for Xenu's sake.

Sleeve Me! - Update

The latest Starbucks indignity occurred yesterday. I ordered my usual tall, nonfat, vanilla latte at the ubiquitous Texas drive-through Starbucks and the manager thrust the hot drink towards me, sleeveless. I reached for it instinctively, forgetting my vow to cross my arms and glare, and then dropped it on the asphalt below. She apologized and rushed to get me another but this time handed the replacement to a co-worker who did indeed sleeve it up. As I was driving away in full sip mode, I realized that in her haste she gave me a regular, non-vanilla latte. Seriously Howard Schultz, this policy is causing red hands, hard feelings, and now blatant latte errors. Rescind posthaste.