Everything I Know About Beef Processing I Learned From 'The Simpsons'

THE FAST-FOOD HAMBURGER
The great American staple. Don’t worry, burgers really do come from cows—but have you ever wondered how those giant chains process and distribute so much meat so cheaply? And . . . are you sure you want to know?

The Truth: Most fast-food hamburger patties begin their voyage to your buns in the hands of a company called Beef Products. The company specializes in taking slaughterhouse trimmings—heads and hooves and the like—that are traditionally used only in pet food and cooking oil, and turning them into patties. The challenge is getting this byproduct meat clean enough for human consumption, as both E. coli and salmonella like to concentrate themselves in the fatty deposits.

The company has developed a process for killing beef-based pathogens by forcing the ground meat through pipes and exposing it to ammonia gas—the same chemical you might use to clean your bathroom. Not only has the USDA approved the process, but it's also allowed those who sell the beef to keep it hidden from their customers. At Beef Products’ behest, ammonia gas has been deemed a “processing agent” that need not be identified on nutrition labels. Never mind that if ammonia gets on your skin, it can cause severe burning, and if it gets in your eyes, it can blind you. Add to the gross-out factor the fact that after moving through this lengthy industrial process, a single beef patty can consist of cobbled-together pieces from different cows from all over the world—a practice that only increases the odds of contamination.

Play now, thank me later.

Top 10 Crappy Movies I Will Watch Whenever They Are On

1. Deep Blue Sea - Samuel Jackson minus his head equals movie magic!
2. The Mummy - and really, any movie with the word 'mummy' in the title 
3. Basic Instinct - lesbian hit and runs, a totally gratuitous beaver shot, Michael Douglas losing his shit in just about every scene, this movie has it all
4. Tommy Boy - join me in a head bob to 'Fat Guy in a Little Coat'
5. Vanilla Sky - the original version of this movie, 'Abre Los Ojos', belongs on an entirely different list
6. Universal Soldier: The Return - the first of three increasingly crappy sequels
7. Hannibal - Julianne Moore does the worst Jodi Foster impression ever, and killer pigs...really?
8. Wall Street - no matter what the revisionists say, this is not a good movie
9. Showgirls - hahahahahahahahahaha!
10. And the newest addition: The Box - so god-awful that it almost eclipses the craptacular craptitude of all the other movies on this list combined

Mosstified

Today's top story: Elisabeth Moss, Peggy from 'Mad Men', is (sigh) a Scientologist. And now, as in the case of Sean Penn, Leni Riefenstahl, and Chad 'Ochocinco', I'm forced to separate the artist from the person. The artist does a spectacular job on what is shaping up as the show of the decade. The person believes that:

'Xenu (pronounced ZEE-noo), was, according to the founder of Scientology and science fiction writer L. Ron Hubbard, the dictator of the Galactic Confederacy who, 75 million years ago, brought billions of his people to Earth in a DC-8-like spacecraft, stacked them around volcanoes, and killed them using hydrogen bombs.'

My respect for the person has dissipated to microscopic proportions (while my admiration for Fred Armisen has increased exponentially) but I will do my best to ignore this disturbing fact when the new season of 'Mad Men' debuts next year...for Xenu's sake.

Sleeve Me! - Update

The latest Starbucks indignity occurred yesterday. I ordered my usual tall, nonfat, vanilla latte at the ubiquitous Texas drive-through Starbucks and the manager thrust the hot drink towards me, sleeveless. I reached for it instinctively, forgetting my vow to cross my arms and glare, and then dropped it on the asphalt below. She apologized and rushed to get me another but this time handed the replacement to a co-worker who did indeed sleeve it up. As I was driving away in full sip mode, I realized that in her haste she gave me a regular, non-vanilla latte. Seriously Howard Schultz, this policy is causing red hands, hard feelings, and now blatant latte errors. Rescind posthaste.

Fatty Fatty Two by Four...and you remember how that ended

Most travelers say obese passengers should pay more

This article is in response to the Kevin Smith/fat director/booted off Southwest flight story. Some people in this article suggest 'it should be the responsibility of airlines to adjust their standard seat size, enabling them to comfortably accommodate all passengers...' Should flatware manufacturers make gigantic forks and knives for these same overeaters? Should Frito-Lay make parachute-sized packages of Ruffles for the fatties who are insulted by the miniscule portions the current bags offer? Will you please tell me how an airline can be expected to anticipate the arrival of Large Marge (see picture), waiting for her signal to shuffle onto the plane, lower her barge-sized derriere onto (not into) her seat, then spillover into (and onto) the adjacent seat? Would you want to be the unfortunate traveler seated next to her when the oxygen masks pop out, the plane careens to a halt, and everyone is scrambling for the emergency exit? Has Marge ever scrambled anything besides a dozen eggs at one time, or the dial of the scale at her doctor's office?

My suggestion is to have flights reserved for the calorically-challenged, 10 passengers per 737 (just under the maximum weight limit), remove the seats and install a long buffet table with all the fixins. No seat, no embarrassing spillover. Problem solved.

BofA Robot Chat Session

Helpful Hints:
You = Me (Kelly)
Tara = Robot

Welcome to an online chat session at Bank of America. Please hold while we connect you to the next available Bank of America Online Banking Specialist. Your chat may be monitored and recorded for quality purposes. Your current wait time is approximately 0 minutes. Thank you for your patience.

Thank you for choosing Bank of America. You are now being connected to a Bank of America Online Banking
Specialist.

Tara: Thank you for being valued Bank of America customer. My name is Tara.
Tara: How may I assist you with your personal Checking and Savings accounts opened in California?
Tara: Hi , Good Morning. How are you doing today?
You: Good. I'm trying to get through to the call center and the message says it's closed.
Tara: I would like to inform you that on behalf of Veteran's Day.
Tara: Our phone associates are not working.
Tara: Hence, you are unable to connect to the phone associates.
You: Veteran's Day was yesterday. Are they off for two days?
Tara: Yes, you are right.
Tara: However, I will try my best to help you if the query is within my scope.
Tara: Please go ahead with your query.
You: I had an alert set on my account to let me know a specific low balance threshold. I am now overdrawn
by 70 dollars and there are 7 transactions which I will be charged 35/each for. I checked and the alert was set to off!
You: I have not modified that alert for years
Tara: I understand you have a concern regarding the alerts.
Tara: As the alerts were disabled your account is going to charge with the overdraft fee.
Tara: Please correct me, if I am wrong.
You: i have a concern regarding the fees that i will be charged due to the fact that the alert was reset to 'off'
You: 7 x 35 = 245
Tara: I certainly check for you.
Tara: Could you please provide me the last four digits of the account number in question and the complete
name as how it appears on the account.
Tara: Are you still with me? Just to confirm that we are not disconnected.
You: yes
You: 7465
Tara: Thank you.
You: kelly alston
Tara: Thank you for the information, Kelly.
Tara: Please allow me some time while I access your account information.
You: ok, i have a child so there may be some lag between responses
Tara: Kelly, I see that there was an alert set on your account, if your account balance is less than the $200
then an alert will be sent to kellymarcalston@gmail.com on every Monday.
Tara: Am I right, Kelly?
You: yes, but i just set that today after i noticed that it was turned off
You: i was not alerted that my balance was low, and today i discovered that i was overdrawn
Tara: Thank you for the information.
You: sure
Tara: Kelly, I would like to inform you that as your account is not yet debited with the fees.
Tara: I request you to contact us immediately once the fee debited to your account so that we will definitely
look in to the issue and help you.
Tara: As you are the esteemed customer since 1990.
You: ok, i'll call the center when the fees hit, i really appreciate your help
Tara: We certainly look into the issue once you contact after the fee charged to your account.
Tara: You are most welcome.
Tara: Its my pleasure assisting you.
Tara: Would there be anything else I may assist you with today ?
You: no, have a great day
Tara: Thank you, Kelly.
Tara: Thank you very much for your time and co-operation.
Tara: Have a great day ahead, enjoy but do take care of yourself.
Tara: Thank you for choosing Bank of America's Text Chat Service!
Tara: To safeguard any personal account information, please close this window by click lower "Close " button
in the upper right corner of this chat window.
You: ok, thanks
Tara: You are most welcome, Kelly.

Sleeve me!

So I go to the drive-thru Starbucks down the street and after sitting through two attempts to up-sell me to some 'pairing' or 'baked goodie', the guy hands me a tall nonfat latte with no sleeve. I ask him point-blank, 'Do you guys not give sleeves anymore?' He says, 'We only give them with venti's, we're trying to save trees.' Some questions...

1) Why are you lying? If you're trying to save trees, why give out sleeves at all? What is the qualitative heat difference between a venti and a tall? Answer, none, they are equally as hot.

2) Hey liar, fuck the trees, how about saving my hand?

3) Also, liar, if Starbucks wants to save trees, how about making the sleeves (and the cups, for that matter) from 100% 'post-consumer recycled material', vs. 10% for the cups only?

4) Oh, and liar? Try the truth, it can be an aphrodisiac in all kinds of relationships: business-to-consumer, husband-to-wife, etc. Here it is: consumer spending is down, sleeves cost money, some brain trust at Starbucks corporate (aka The Death Star) ran some models in Excel and determined the cost-benefit ratio of providing sleeves with drinks smaller than a venti was not in the bests interests of the corporation.

In his defense, Starbucks is training a whole generation of liars, it's apparently the 'Starbucks way'. My wife said she refuses to put her hand out the window until a sleeve has been added to her drink. I've tried nonverbal communication but it's not in my nature. And that's the truth.

Leap Second

This just in:

"The world's official timekeepers have added a "leap second" to the last day of the year on Wednesday, to help match clocks to the Earth's slowing spin on its axis, which takes place at ever-changing rates affected by tides and other factors."

Here's a list of things I plan to do with the extra second:

- fill out an application to become one of the world's official timekeepers;

- finish my novel;

- spend down the remaining funds in my Flexible Spending Account so the rat bastards that administer it don't take off on a European vacation courtesy of the $231.46 I have in there;

Any time that's left will be spent reflecting on the general state of the world, specifically the Mideast, India vs. Pakistan, MMA vs. boxing, HBO (what happened to you?), getting up the nerve to watch TLC's "The 800 Pound Tumor" and trying to crack all my knuckles on the first try. Happy New Year...

Spirit

For a tutorial on how to write a scathing review, see the link below:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/12/24/DDH414SVMC.DTL

The review was written by Peter Hartlaub, the 'Pop Culture' critic of the San Francisco Chronicle. I complimented him in the first comment posted and he responded in kind and used the word 'snarky', a vocabulary choice that confirmed my confidence in his acumen.